Arguments in life are common. When faced with this situation 99% of people fight fire with fire. I fight fire with fire, but I don’t want to anymore…

Every time I argue with someone I get nothing out of the situation, I just fuel their fire against me even more.

Everyone wants to come across as smart and be right 100% of the time. People argue to be right, but has that ever worked…?

If you are in conversation and someone proves that you are wrong, do you warm up to that person or do you just feel alienated? Even if they present FACTS, it doesn’t matter…

We don’t care about facts because we are not creatures of logic, we are creatures of raw emotion!

Weirdly people also hate not being liked. What did I say or do? Why do they not understand me…?

If you want to be liked don’t destroy the pride of others to boost your own ego.

If you want to influence somebody to your way of thinking, do it subtly, understand their motives, never tell them they are wrong and appeal to their noble side.

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Here’s how to get the best out of your ‘haters’…

  1. Pity Them

If you had exactly the same circumstances as them, you would be them. If you were born with exactly the same genes, personality, you had the same upbringing and the same experiences how could you expect to be any different?

Recognise this and it becomes easier to understand different types of people. They might not like you simply because they are less fortunate than you.

  1. Don’t Tell Them That They’re Wrong

If you want to sell something to someone who uses a competitor product don’t trash the other company. If you do that you are calling the buyer an idiot by telling him he has made the wrong decision up until now.

It is the same in everyday life…

If I don’t want to watch a TV show but my wife loves it I won’t tell her all the reasons she shouldn’t watch it. That will make her argue her case for watching that show even more!

In any situation in life people like to reach decisions on their own. Make suggestions and make them feel like the ideas are theirs, not yours.

  1. Do Not Argue

No one can win an argument you will just create resentment towards your own ideas and beliefs.

  1. Understand Their Fears

No one has the same fears, motivations and feelings as you. Everyone is different in a million different ways. No one has ever been through the same experiences as you have. You need to understand what it is that is making the other person act the way they are…

Ask questions, let them open up and tell you what bothers them.

If you don’t like the answers fight your natural instinct to defend yourself by arguing!

  1. Understand Their jealousy

If people are paying attention, even if it is by slating you then you are doing something right!

When you are worthy of attention the jealous haters will come flocking in.

These haters will probably be the people closest to you. They are scared that you will be more successful than them. Let them hate, take the ‘banter’ with a smile knowing that you are making an impact and keep going…

One day these people will be asking you for a job!

  1. Consider What They Want

There is always a good reason and a real reason that people do anything…

For example:

  • I’m going to Madrid soon:

Good Reason: It’ll no doubt give me some good experiences to write about

Real Reason: I just want to get away for a break

  • Your child doesn’t want a lift home from school even though it’s raining:

Good Reason: Wants some exercise and to see his friends

Real Reason: Has a detention and doesn’t want you to know!

  • Why most people go to the gym:

Good Reason: ‘I really want to be healthier’

Real Reason: To look hot, and maybe inappropriately stare at others in the gym

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This is always the case! Look deeper and understand people’s motivations. Maybe they are just trying to look good in front of their peers. Maybe they want to give themselves a sense of importance by making you feel bad. Maybe it’s a combination of things.

  1. Think About How You Could Help Them

You now have two choices – leave them or help them.

Some people just can’t be helped, would you bother sticking around to convince a terrorist not to kill you if you could just magically remove yourself from the situation? Hell no. You have that choice here…

A lot of my customers have hated me before. Some I told to leave, others I turned into my biggest fans because I believed deep down that they wanted to work with me and their reasons for hating were just on the surface.

  1. Get Them on the Journey With You

If you have decided to help them, give them a sense of belonging. Give them some power and make them feel important…

Do you want a naughty child to put all the toys away at the end of play time? Put him in charge of looking after all the toys.

Do you want a member of staff to start turning up to work on time? Put them in charge of timekeeping for all staff.

If you want a company to buy a product ask for their help designing it. Get them involved in the project. They will then sell it to their colleagues just as the naughty kid will get all the other kids to put the toys away at the end of play.

A great leader knows that if they want to get the best out of people they need to engage them, not dictate to them.

Rise above the haters. It is never about you, it is always about them. That isn’t your fault and therefore you have full control over the situation. Walk away or take the opportunity that they have given you to help them.

Just like in the movies, if the bad guy starts doing good things the audience tends to appreciate him more than they do the guy that has always done good things…

Maybe some people see you as the bad guy. Show them some love, they will end up loving you more than those they have always loved. It is human nature, use it to your advantage!

-Matthew Brown

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